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04 Mar 2008, 3:37 pm / Dont know
* 001
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl
confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or
later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt
great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
** 002
"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve
do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going to smell like that!"
** 004
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya,
Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim
partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!"
"That's not so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar across town
That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."
"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the
time."
** 006
Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being done in medicine. The
first said,"Six weeks ago a man came in after losing a hand in an accident just
as a car crash victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from the
dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today he's out looking for a
job."
The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I gave a
blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's out looking for a job."
The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year and a
half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White House, and
today everybody is out looking for a job."
** 011
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been
surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights
are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
** 012
"Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the patient on whom he had
performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six months to
live."
"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and
save enough to pay you in that time!"
"All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months,
then."
** 014
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's
room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine
sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
bathroom."
The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well,
I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"
** 015
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend
stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape
as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of
the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same
bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
** 016
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked
him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night,
nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
** 017
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to
the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
** 018
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out
to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll
goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her.
Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit,
man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such
full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started
feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were
firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her
dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
** 020
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard
it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by
a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler
laughed.
** 021
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.
"Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."
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